What I feel every time I write something poetic.
I am thinking of having a girlfriend. Yet, it’s so hard for me to have one. I could hardly have one because aside from not being super handsome, I have set up some standards. Even though you are hard to want, you can still afford to play hard to get?! Fuck me right? I am afraid to have a girlfriend who won’t pass the “standards” of my friends, and that is my standard, weird right? I mean, I don’t want to have a girlfriend whom my friends think ugly. I am afraid of their judgments. I cannot stand listening to people saying or whispering, “Is that his type?” The bottom line is, your partner would reflect who you are. If I could have someone beautiful as my girlfriend, it would greatly affect my reputation. Also, if I could have someone (insert word here, aside from ugly), it would also greatly my reputation as an individual.
I knew some people who are in a relationship, and the irony is I do not mock their type or something. I realized that if two people are meant to fall in love with each other, there’s no more standard control. After all, I learned that love is really blind or it can actually see but it doesn’t matter. Maybe I am just expecting too much from myself, I am thinking that I deserve someone “beautiful”. The truth is, we never fall in love for the person’s personality at first sight. When we find someone pleasant to look at, we make an effort to know them better, but if we didn’t like them during the first encounter, we never bother to know them more.
This shit’s complicated. I have many crushes, and yes, I want some of them as my girlfriend, not all of them at the same time, of course. If I’d be given a chance to choose only one of them, I would be faithful to her alone. But having one of them as my girlfriend is impossible, I know right? Why won’t you court one of them? I guess I just love them so much that I don’t want to creep the hell out of them and besides, having me as their boyfriend seemed debatable. I don’t want to be general at the moment, cause when I use the pronoun “them”, it’s like I’m addressing all of them at the same time. I kinda want to be specific at the moment. So this crush of mine, let’s hide her in the name Hershey. (Relax, I don’t even know a person named Hershey.) I have no right to call any of them not so beautiful. (Are you handsome? Are you handsome?) I want to be subtle as possible in describing her. So Hershey is a pretty girl, but she’s not the head-turner type. Yet for me, she is very beautiful and every time she is around, my head turns towards her. Beauty is very subjective, I know that, but that’s the reason why I called her beautiful. I like the way she looks, her personality is very appealing to me, and we have the same likes and hobbies, whatever. Those are some of the reasons why I called her beautiful. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend, one of the reasons why I cannot court her. I want her to be my girlfriend because I want to make her smile. The feeling of making her smile is just pure happiness. I want a relationship wherein I would feel single and taken both at the same time. I don’t want our relationship to be the over romantic type. Good morning texts are enough. I want someone to talk to with my life, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to be at least concern with me. If we would be together, it’s okay if we are not holding each other’s hands, it’s okay if we are not sweet. I just want to be with her and see her personally. I just want to feel her presence. I don’t want so much drama in our relationship. Whenever she feels lonely, I’d be there to cheer her up and likewise. Whenever she feels afraid, I’d be there to comfort her. Whenever she’s feeling insecure, I’d tell her how beautiful she is. I just wanted a simple relationship. I believe I am capable of handling her heart. I know that somehow I deserve to love her and have her as my girlfriend. But I don’t want to fuck things up. I’ll just leave her alone and be grateful that having her as my friend is more than enough.
I think she’ll be happier with her boyfriend.
I consider a woman’s naked body as art. No offense but, I find it so magnificent to look at. But let’s disregard the fat and unattractive ones though. haha. And for me, pornography is an expression. It doesn’t make any sense but, porn is just an expression of one’s self. I’m not saying that pornography is not a sin, of course it is! IT IS MORALLY WRONG! But, why do people tend to get involved anyway? I believe culture is one of the factors why there are people involved in such a profane act. Their culture could dictate whether a person will grow liberated or conservative. Values also help define us. There are a lot of factors I can think of like peer pressure, rebellion, addiction, passion? But let’s be honest, it’s all up to our choice anyway. I could name many porn stars right now. Maria Ozawa, Sasha Grey, Faye Reagan, Sunny Leone, Kagney Linn Karter, April O’Neil, etc. I forgot the other ones. And you’re like, “Seriously dude? How the hell did you know all those girls? Are you an avid fan or something?” HELL NO! I just do know them. *wink* It’s kinda awkward to write this kind of stuff but it’s all I could think of the moment. No, not porn, but the ideas of pornography. Do you get it? It also took a man out of me to write this kind of stuff because by the time you read the first line, prejudice is sure to be handy. You are like, “EW! Perv! Shoo! Get away!” but may I clarify things up? Aside from being a male, it is normal for guys to watch porn. Yes, it is morally wrong and besides writing this stuff is a bad idea. By the way, it doesn’t mean if guys watch porn, they are all perverted, mind you, some girls also watch porn. What I’m saying is there is a time for everything. So girls, don’t be harassed by the thought that every guy watches porn, or have watched porn. It is still safe to interact with your boy friends, because they respect you as their friend.
I am thinking that being a porn star is a full time job. This April O’Neil girl is a liberal one but I kinda find her lifestyle amazing though. She is a porn star, but she’s not ashamed to be one. She has a Twitter account and she’s open whenever people would compliment her (insert word here). Even in her Tumblr account, sometimes she would upload a photo wherein she is naked and sometimes she uploads a photo being with her co-porn stars. It was really amazing to think that despite the fact of being a porn star, she does not deny or hide her identity.
I’m thinking that porn is just an act of rubbing a genitalia against the genitalia of another person. But how come people tend to be so aroused by this tedious act? Okay, I would be a hypocrite if I say it’s boring, but for me, starring in a pornography film is not the most humiliating or most vulnerable point in a person’s life. Maybe I’m just immune with the pattern of how a porn is done. It’s so repetitive to the point that being nude is nothing to be ashamed of. Porn made me realized that being nude and exploiting your body does not make you feel naked and vulnerable, but insecurities and dark secrets do. I have seen porn many times and it makes me think why did humanity’s wickedness traveled too far? Sex became a ritual, like a special rite to earn belongingness in the West these days. tch. I have seen a picture which was printscreened, and shared into Facebook, the picture was a status of a 14 year old kid. I could not recall the exact lines but this was the thought. “If you are 14 years old and still a virgin, you are a loser.” Can you imagine this? *Facepalm* Oh people what have you done to these day’s kids? Or should I say, Oh people why did you made these kids? *Sigh*
In conclusion: For me, pornography is an expression of people’s dream because some became famous and rich because of it. Pornography is still a sin. Naked women are still beautiful, but naked women doing pornography is nonsense. I’m not saying that women who are involved in pornography are nonsense, but the act is and it’s a defamation to the beauty of naked women. Btw, I haven’t watched porn, I have seen porn.
P.S. I’m not a pervert.
EVERY MAN’S DREAM
Every man has his own type of girl. I am really turned on by girls with, hmmm, let’s deal with the physical attributes first. I really, really like girls with clean armpits. Who doesn’t? For me, a girl’s armpit is a measure of her cleanliness. How I wish every girl’s armpit do not have to grow hair anymore. haha. I am also attracted to girls with decent nose structure. I am appalled to a nose which looks like a flat tire. haha. It’s like the nose dictates how a face would look like. I like girls with braces. I also like girls who polish their nails. It’s so cute. I can imagine that they’re still little girls, coloring their fingernails with crayons. I know it might sound weird to some but recently, I’m starting to like girls with tattoos. Maybe I’m influenced by rebellion or something, but girls with tattoos have an uncommon impression on me compared to most people. It tells me that they are fighters; they are girls who will fight back and will not allow to be abused. It’s like they have the guts to kick your ass if you pick a fight with them.
In terms of abilities and intellectual attributes, I like a girl who has a decent vocabulary. I am turned off if her grammar, pronunciation or diction is poor. I like girls who read and cry over books because that will make us alike. I also get attached to words, books, or even movies. But I prefer girls who read books over girls who just watch movies. I think it’s a shame to prefer movies over books. I also like girls who write, and girls who can sing and play any musical instruments such as a keyboard or a guitar, maybe? Hmmm, what else? Yeah! I also like girls who are brave. I love girls who know how to swim. 😀
I like girls who are Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, and Sincere. In short, I like girls with BIGTITS. HAHA
I was supposed to have another coffee bonding tonight with my cousin and her friend. But here’s what happened.
I took a nap around 2 in the afternoon, but I woke up at around 6pm. Really? Nap for hours? I was awakened by my phone ringing with my cousin calling to ask if I could go and have coffee with them tonight. I told her that I would ask my parents first. Yeah, my parents are strict. teehee 🙂
I was not really in the mood to have coffee tonight because I don’t have any money at the moment and I want to study because Finals is fast approaching, but I felt obliged to go with them because it’s been a long time since we three have got together. I went to my father and asked for permission. When I asked him, I can feel that he was kind of unwilling to allow me to go. He reasoned that he had no budget and besides it was already getting late. So he told me to go to mother and ask her permission instead. So then I went to ask my mother if I could go tonight. Without any hesitation, she immediately said no. I couldn’t argue with her, or I didn’t want to argue with her because somehow I didn’t really want to go out.
Mom’s reason was, “I don’t want you to be associated with that girl.” She was referring to my cousin’s friend whose name was Lalay. This was the background: My dad and Lalay’s elder sister are working in the same office. My father being a great sales-agent has a conflict with her elder sister. Their ideas would clash somehow and I don’t know the real reason behind that. Every lunch time in the office, since Lalay’s sister was in charge of the food, she would call everyone to eat except my father. My father, being a gentleman, doesn’t want to argue or make any bad comments about her. So instead of joining them for lunch, my father would go outside the office and find a place where he could eat. Alone. Mom knows that, and she feels really bad about it. So when mom learned that we will be having coffee tonight with my father’s colleague’s younger sister, she firmly said no.
Even if my beloved father and Lalay’s elder sister are not in good terms, I have no grudge towards Lalay, though. What I’m feeling kind of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet’s story – two families holding grudges between one another. It’s funny to hear that dad even said this to one of his officemates, “Her sister is not even pretty (referring to Lalay), I’m sure she’s not the type of my son.” And of course, I’m not into Lalay, it’s just funny to know that we are just friends and yet our families are in the Capulet and Montague situation who don’t want us to see each other.
Nevertheless, even though I haven’t got the chance to be with them in person, we managed to see each other through Skype.
I hate how my grammar sucks during that time. All the while I thought that the past tense of spread was spreaded. haha. But I like the way how spreaded sounds in this phrase, “spreaded legs”. Come to think of it, if I were to use spread, it would sound so wrong, or is it just me? “Spread legs”. See? Spread legs sounds like a command: “Hey you. Yes, you. Spread legs. NOW!” Haha. Just bear with the “spreaded” for the mean time, cause I made it two years ago 😐
I’m trying my best not to fall in love you and I’m forcing myself just to be only infatuated to you. I forgot how love looks like, it’s easier to admit that I’m totally infatuated than to curse this bitter love when it gets to my lungs. If ever, I’d be falling for you, I’d cherish the thought that love is far from infatuation. I’m gonna prove you that behind your mesmerizing face, behind the glorious curve of your nose, beyond your mounted breasts, I swear to you that I’d be the man that wouldn’t chase after your spreaded legs. I’m not the man from your fairytales, but I’d be the reality of your eternity. I know beauty doesn’t last, so let me love you till your precious beauty runs dry and aged. I know that love hurts, but if I wouldn’t take the risk of falling for you, would you call me cowardice? I’m just a child, waiting for the perfect gift of time to allow you and me to be in love together. If destiny wants the other way around, all I could say is that even if our fate does not intertwine, I’d be happy to have you in the ends of my universe. I’ll give love a new definition if you love me back too.
Apologies: I beg for your pardon. I was trying to be poetic during that time. Teehee!
The title I wrote here was “Man’s Promise To A Girl When In Love, But Forsakes It When Distorted.” So immature I think? haha
polluted air, polluted values.
the raging bullet pushing through my heart, am i lost?
no, i’m still alive. the bitter vengeful heart that keeps me from fighting.
the armored walls of my mind protecting me from believing that there is hope.
hope? it’s extinct.
the world is at war, my heart and my mind are one with that principle.
they say that the hero dies for his country, oh the irony.
the hero makes the enemy die for his.
my relentless soul, holding the riffle by his palm, stabbing, shooting, murdering the foes left to right.
disgrace coming my way. he fights for his country yet cannot save his queen, his life.
shedding blood for his glory, what a selfish greed!