I am thinking of having a girlfriend. Yet, it’s so hard for me to have one. I could hardly have one because aside from not being super handsome, I have set up some standards. Even though you are hard to want, you can still afford to play hard to get?! Fuck me right? I am afraid to have a girlfriend who won’t pass the “standards” of my friends, and that is my standard, weird right? I mean, I don’t want to have a girlfriend whom my friends think ugly. I am afraid of their judgments. I cannot stand listening to people saying or whispering, “Is that his type?” The bottom line is, your partner would reflect who you are. If I could have someone beautiful as my girlfriend, it would greatly affect my reputation. Also, if I could have someone (insert word here, aside from ugly), it would also greatly my reputation as an individual.
I knew some people who are in a relationship, and the irony is I do not mock their type or something. I realized that if two people are meant to fall in love with each other, there’s no more standard control. After all, I learned that love is really blind or it can actually see but it doesn’t matter. Maybe I am just expecting too much from myself, I am thinking that I deserve someone “beautiful”. The truth is, we never fall in love for the person’s personality at first sight. When we find someone pleasant to look at, we make an effort to know them better, but if we didn’t like them during the first encounter, we never bother to know them more.
This shit’s complicated. I have many crushes, and yes, I want some of them as my girlfriend, not all of them at the same time, of course. If I’d be given a chance to choose only one of them, I would be faithful to her alone. But having one of them as my girlfriend is impossible, I know right? Why won’t you court one of them? I guess I just love them so much that I don’t want to creep the hell out of them and besides, having me as their boyfriend seemed debatable. I don’t want to be general at the moment, cause when I use the pronoun “them”, it’s like I’m addressing all of them at the same time. I kinda want to be specific at the moment. So this crush of mine, let’s hide her in the name Hershey. (Relax, I don’t even know a person named Hershey.) I have no right to call any of them not so beautiful. (Are you handsome? Are you handsome?) I want to be subtle as possible in describing her. So Hershey is a pretty girl, but she’s not the head-turner type. Yet for me, she is very beautiful and every time she is around, my head turns towards her. Beauty is very subjective, I know that, but that’s the reason why I called her beautiful. I like the way she looks, her personality is very appealing to me, and we have the same likes and hobbies, whatever. Those are some of the reasons why I called her beautiful. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend, one of the reasons why I cannot court her. I want her to be my girlfriend because I want to make her smile. The feeling of making her smile is just pure happiness. I want a relationship wherein I would feel single and taken both at the same time. I don’t want our relationship to be the over romantic type. Good morning texts are enough. I want someone to talk to with my life, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to be at least concern with me. If we would be together, it’s okay if we are not holding each other’s hands, it’s okay if we are not sweet. I just want to be with her and see her personally. I just want to feel her presence. I don’t want so much drama in our relationship. Whenever she feels lonely, I’d be there to cheer her up and likewise. Whenever she feels afraid, I’d be there to comfort her. Whenever she’s feeling insecure, I’d tell her how beautiful she is. I just wanted a simple relationship. I believe I am capable of handling her heart. I know that somehow I deserve to love her and have her as my girlfriend. But I don’t want to fuck things up. I’ll just leave her alone and be grateful that having her as my friend is more than enough.
I think she’ll be happier with her boyfriend.